Hellchick

Ladies, let's have a little girl talk. Just you, me, and the web browser. Come on, pull your chair closer -- that's good. Yes, you can have one of those cookies on the plate. I made them just for you.

Listen. No one else is going to tell you this because they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, because, you know, what if they run into you again and oh God, wouldn't that just be really awkward? So I'm going to say this to you not to hurt your feelings or anything, but to help you. We girls have to stick together.

It's the 80s fashion. You've really got to let it die. Unlike most of you I actually lived during the 80s. My formative years. The high school ones. Oh, it was a heady time -- New Order was the rage and everyone wanted to be a character in The Breakfast Club. So unlike all of you who are wearing the skinny jeans, the leg warmers, all that crap, I actually know how stupid it looks because, like Jesus dying on the cross for your sins, I've already worn the stupid for you.

Those black leggings under the skirt have to be the first to go. I know, I know -- it's painful to hear. But really, when was the last time you wore black leggings under a skirt? It was when you were eight years old and your mom made you wear dresses because it was what little girls were supposed to do but you wanted to climb the trees and play hockey in the street (even though Eddie Sabatini said that girls can't play hockey, but he was just a stupid boy so what did he know) and you couldn't just let everyone see your underwear so you compromised, and that's where the leggings came in. And that's exactly where they need to stay. You look like a goofy 20-something-year-old trying to look eight. And failing. Miserably.

Do I really even need to say anything about leg warmers? If you were drunk when I saw you wearing them at the mall today, or maybe your hot boyfriend had just broken up with you and you weren't thinking straight, you can tell me. I'll forgive you. It's the only explanation I can think of for anyone wearing them. Ever.

Come on, ladies. Don't let the fashion industry bully you around. You know what they're doing, don't you? They're sitting around dredging up the worst fashions of every decade, probably sharing some port or sherry and saying, "do think we can get them to wear that?!" "Oh, honey, they're wrapped around our delicate little pinkies! When we say 'jump', women of America say, 'what kind of mule or espadrille would you like us to jump in?'" And then they bend their hands, lean forward, and laugh with their mouths wide open, but it's that kind of fake laugh where you're pretty sure they think the other one is a total bitch.

Seriously. Say no to 80s fashion. Do you really want to end up with Flock of Seagulls hair? Think about it.

Hey, I said you could have one cookie, not the whole damn plate.