Hey, you. Yeah, you, the one holding that bright yellow Nextel walkie talkie phone. Oh, I'm sorry, can you not hear me over the ear-splitting beeps of your walkie talkie that ring through the coffee shop approximately every 0.13 seconds? Or is it because you can't hear me over the snorts of laughter your friend sends you over the walkie talkie over and over as you stand in line for your coffee at Starbucks? Yes, you, the person who feels the need to scream into a walkie talkie phone - BIDDLE BEEP - so the entire coffee shop - BIDDLE BEEP - can enjoy the sordid details - BIDDLE BEEP - of the party you two went to last night where that guy was just so oh my GOD can you believe it - BIDDLE BEEP - you know?
Close your goddamn phone. Yes, that's it. Ah ah ah - close it. I mean it. Put it in your pocket, your purse, the garbage, I don't care. Just close it. Because it's bad enough hearing one side of a conversation when someone is rude enough to carry one on in a public setting. It's infinitely worse that we're all now forced to endure both sides of a conversation - BIDDLE BEEP - pockmarked with that stupid - BIDDLE BEEP - goddamn - BIDDLE BEEP - beep. Because I think that, really, someone, somewhere will live and can endure that extra 0.2 seconds it takes for "so did he really say that? Oh my GOD!" to get to their cell phone and will not die if it doesn't get there 0.2 seconds sooner through the magic of walkie talkie Nextel-tacular technology. Really, they will live. And so will we, and we will in fact live a better life having not been forced to listen to, "she totally did that! I'm telling you, she did!" BIDDLE BEEP.
That's right. Close your phone and have a non-ADD-addled moment of silence and clarity so that the rest of us can enjoy a moment like that, too.
And now that you've closed your phone, give it to me. Because I'm going to need it when I schedule a meeting with the yahoo at Nextel that came up with the idea of marketing the walkie talkie function to the general public and I'm going to - BIDDLE BEEP - beat him with it until - BIDDLE BEEP - the yellow from that phone - BIDDLE BEEP - is a nice bright red.
BIDDLE BEEP.
BIDDLE BEEP!
Posted by: Jamie | August 26, 2004 04:29 PM
Lynn Johnson addressed the issue of rude people with cell phones about 2-3 years ago in For Better or For Worse. (If I find the actual date, I'll let you know.) Since FBoFW is based on the lives of a real family, the story is most probably true.
Mike (the older son) and his wife Deanna were in a fancy restaurant. At the next table, a cell phone rang, and was answered by a guy who proceeded to talk very loudly...
While the guy was chatting away for the whole restaurant to hear, Mike took the pickle from his plate, and the olive on a toothpick from his drink, and stuck the toothpick into one end of the pickle.
The guy at the next table finally hung up. Michael stuck his spoon in his water glass, and tapped the sides a few times for that ringing sound it makes. He then answered the pickle.
"Hello?" he said loudly. "Hi. Yeah, I'm just having dinner with my wife in a nice restaurant. Oh? Sure, he's right here."
Michael stood up, walked over to the other table, handed the pickle to the guy with the cell phone, and said, "It's for you."
With the exception of the embarrased guy with the cell phone, and the mortified Deanna, the whole restaurant cracked up.
Posted by: David Goldstein | August 26, 2004 11:43 PM